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Ja se si me braktisi e imja nënë…

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Isha vetëm dymuajshe, në atë moshë të njomë, posa erdha në këtë botë, u bëra viktimë
për shkakun e prindërve të mi. Ajo shkoi, ajo shkoi sikur ta përbinte qielli, ndërsa të tjerët
përreth mendonin se unë nuk e kuptoja mungesën e nënës sime.
– Foshnje e vogël thoshin, do të mësohet më lehtë tani, se sa po të ishte e rritur.
Ata më mashtronin, më jepnin në gojë një cucëll llastiku, ndërsa unë, unë luftoja me ndjenjat e
mia, luftoja me të nuhaturit tim, unë kërkoja aromën e nënës sime, ajo ishte pjesë e imja, unë
isha pjesë e trupit të saj.
Vajtoja me ditë të tëra, ishte vajtim foshnjeje, por nuk ishte vajtim si i të gjitha foshnjeve
të tjera. Në krah i kisha vetëm dy engjuj të mrekullueshëm, vetëm ata ma dinin hallin tim, ata
qanin së bashku me mua, ata me preknin në buzën time të ma shihnin një pikë buzëqeshje. Të
tjerët kur më shikonin si të mjerë, trazoheshin, iknin nga unë, sepse melekët nuk mund t’i
duronin fjalët e mjerueshme që thurnin për mua.

E tëra ishte e kotë, s’mundte askush të më mashtronte. Unë kërkoja aromën e nënës sime,
unë kërkoja gjirin dhe frymëmarrjen e saj. Prej asaj kohe lumturia ime fëmijërore mori fund,
isha si një pëllumb pa krah dhe nuk dija ku të gjej folenë, mungesën e së cilës e ndiej edhe sot.
Për një çast, Ajo shkoi, për mua mbeti vetëm emri nënë, por ky emër i mbeti vetëm të kaluarës.
U bënë shumë vite që nuk e shoh Atë, të shenjtën time, mungesa e saj shpirtin ma
shtrëngon, nuk jemi aq larg, unë e di ku ajo jeton, por atë diçka e brengos dhe e trishton në
zemër e shpirt. Diçka ka, i them vetes me vite të tëra, që nga momenti kur e kam kuptuar se Ajo
nuk është e vdekur, Ajo është gjallë, por nuk më njeh mua, apo nuk dëshiron, apo nuk guxon të
më njohë. Uh, uh bre, më dogji malli në zemrën time!
Me vite të tëra mendoj për atë, e shikoni ende nënë nuk mund t’i them, së paku ta
shkruaj, por nuk mundem. Duke u lutur dhe menduar për të, me vite të tëra e pyes veten:
-Kur do të ma hapë derën, mjafton të ma hapë derën e zemrës, se shpirtin e kam të njëjtë
me të sajin, unë e ndjej shpirtin e saj në brendinë time, unë jam shkëndijë e ardhur në këtë botë
nga shpirti i saj.

-Kur do të ma hapësh derën që ma mbylle? Mos vallë po mendon se e kam leht t’i
shkruaj këto fjalë për ty, aspak nuk e kam të lehtë, ato ma helmojnë shpirtin tim në brendi. Vite
të tëra kaluan pa ty, aq mall ka zemra ime, më duket se shpeshherë nga malli i tepërt që kam
për ty, zemrën ma ka zaptuar lakmia, jo për diç tjetër, por për TY, e lakmoj çdo nënë kur e
ledhaton bijën e saj, a lakmoj çdo shikim të fëmijës kur e shikon nënën në bebzat e syrit, e
lakmoj ledhatimin e nënave që mua më mungon, e dëshiroj praninë e saj në praninë time, qoftë
edhe një çast, le të jetë ai, qoftë edhe një çast para dyshekut të vdekjes sime.
O Zot pse është kështu jeta, për dikë e hidhur, për dikë e mbarë, çka kam faj unë, faji
nuk është i imi, faji është i të tjerëve, ndërsa unë e vuaj. Çfarë mallkimi është ky për mua, të
mos kem familje si të gjithë të tjerët, me baba, me nënë, me vëlla e motër, e të isha çmallur me
ta.

Sot vendosa të të them Nënë, për herë të parë në jetën time, por nuk kam guxim të ta them
me tingull, por me shkronja të përgjysmuara, mu sikur zëri im i shpirtit. Nënë, jam e mbushur
në mendime, në brendinë time kam një zbrazëti të madhe, atë zbrazëti askush s’mund të ma
mbush, pos pranisë tënde. Kur do ta arrij përqafimin tënd, të të puth fort, të të shtrëngoj me aq
forcë e dashuri që kam? Shumë vite u tretën pa ty, të lutem, kjo dhimbje është në duart e tua, të
lutem shuaje, shëroje, qetësoje, vetëm ti je ilaçi im. Me vite të prita, askund në botë nuk mund

të gjej prehje e qetësi, si në krahërorin tënd, e di, asnjë dorë në botë nuk mund të mi
përkëdhelë flokët më me butësi. Më le një dhimbje në shpirt, më le të vuaj përjetë, por ti ende
po vazhdon të luash me ndjenjat e mia, vazhdon akoma të luash, por mos, mos se ti je nëna
ime, unë jam pjesa e trupit tënd, unë të dua pa marrë parasysh se çfarë je ti, edhe pse të tjerët
nuk flasin keq për ty, andaj të dua se ndjenjat e mia mi ke lënë të paplotësuara.

Të pyes, edhe sa ditë, edhe sa muaj, edhe sa vite më duhet ta pres atë ditë të lumtur,
atë ditë, apo mos ndoshta më duhet të mbytem nga trishtimi, zhgënjimi i shpresave të mia.
Nëse ti nuk mi kthen ndjenjat e vjedhura nga unë, unë do të vdes ashtu si më ke lënë sikur kur
isha foshnjë dymuajshe, me melekë mbi kokën time, por kësaj here engjëjt nuk do të më
mashtrojnë, sepse thonë se para vdekjes së çdo njeriu, vijnë shpirti i babait, i nënës dhe i thonë
evladit të tij: hajde ngadalë evladi jonë, jepja shpirtin tënd Allahut, ashtu siç ja kemi dhënë ne.
Nënë. Nënë, të lutem për hir të Zotit mos më le të më vdes shpresa ime në fund, dua të vdes
para shpresës, dua ta shuaj shpresën, e shpresa ime shuhet vetëm me praninë tënde.

Më beso nënë, e di që do ta lexosh këtë letër time, nuk do t’ia jap këtë revistë VLERA
që të bie në duart e babit tim, sepse ai ndoshta ka gabuar me ty apo ti me të, por kurrë nuk më
ka ndaluar të të shohë ty, të të dua, të ngopem me dashurinë amnore, pos kësaj ai ka vuajtur
për mallin tim. Ti do të vdesësh, unë do të vdes, babai im do të vdesë, edhe Ai (burri yt) do të
vdesë, por vdekja ime do të jetë më e trishtuara, vdekja ime do të më gjejë pa pasur mundësinë
të kënaqësha me ty ndonjëherë, do të pendohemi shumë, sepse çelësat i ke pasur ti në duart e
tua, ndoshta duart i ke të pranguara, që nuk e besoj, por ndoshta edhe Ai që t’i ka pranguar, kur
ta lexojë këtë letër time, me siguri do ta vrasë ndërgjegjja, nëse ai ka dorë çelësat e derës sime
të mbyllur dhe nuk t’i jep ty për të ma hapur derën e dashurisë së pashuar.

Jeta po më ik, çdo sekondë e jetës sime nuk më kthehet më, kurrë e marr emrin tënd në
gojë, buza më dridhet e s’mund të flas dot, dhimbja zemrën ma lëndon, malli çdo ditë më rritet,
e mendimit tim për ty çdo herë i bashkëngjiten lotët e syve të mi. Vetëm një gjë më freskon, e
ajo është shumë e thjeshtë, e ëmbël dhe optimizmi i jetës sime, e ajo është fjala NËNË, por jo
fjala e shquar Nëna H……, por fjala e vërtet NËNË, sepse edhe unë tani jam nënë e tre fëmijëve,
por nuk jamë fëmijë i NËNËS H…..

Dashurinë time të munguar për ty, kam filluar ta plotësoj, duke ia falë fëmijëve të mi, duke
dëshiruar të mos jem nënë si ti, por e di se ti prapë je NËNA ime, ti do të më kthehesh mua, ti
do të ma hapësh derën e pranguar dhe në fund të them se:
DASHURINË QË KAM PËR TY, NUK MUND TA GJEJ TEK ASNJË NJERI.
Sh.B.Sh.-Prizren

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